by Claire Foster, Social Media Coordinator
If you walked into my house on Mother's Day, you would likely hear a conversation between me and my sisters that sounded something like,
"Pass me three eggs!" I demanded.
"I think Mom wants pancakes, not eggs," my sister stated.
My other sister insisted, "Move over, let me do it."
My sisters and I always took Mother's Day very seriously, and our tradition was to prepare my mom a yearly breakfast in bed. The three of us would argue and laugh about how to make the perfect "surprise" breakfast (that my mom always knew was coming). We would lay out all the elements on a tray, including a hot cup of coffee that required a cautious balancing act, and carry it up to her along with handmade cards. This was a tradition that we carried out well into our teenage years, and it was a fun way to show our mom that we appreciated everything she did for us. When presented with the breakfast, she always feigned a happy, shocked expression that would cause my sisters and me to fall into a fit of laughter. The morning would usually end with my mom sharing her breakfast and us greedily eating up all the leftovers. My mom always put my sisters and me first, even on Mother's Day. That was just the kind of person she was.
Grieving My Mom's Death
When I was 20 years old, my mom died suddenly after a quick illness in early May. Her death left me reeling, and I was consumed by grief. I remember the morning she died I stepped outside of the hospital to get some air, and to my surprise I was greeted with one of the most beautiful spring days of the year. It felt startling to me that I could see families having picnics together and sitting outside eating ice cream when just hours ago my mom had died and my world had been turned upside down.
My mom was the best person that I ever knew. She was kind and thoughtful and could solve a Sudoku puzzle faster than anybody I have ever met. She was the first person who would run to a friend's aid when they needed help, and she always lent a listening ear to my problems no matter how trivial. I even remember one time she took off her shoes in public to give them to a woman who had lost hers and was struggling to walk on the hot pavement. Even though it meant that my mom had to walk around and drive home in bare feet, she didn't mind. Her priority was always to help people, whether that was our family or a stranger she had just met.
I knew a loved one dying was something that could happen, but as a confident and naive 20-year-old, I never thought it was something that could happen to me. I had never felt such a deep and painful grief before her death, and it completely changed the way I thought about life. I expected to have a life filled with events and holidays that included my mom, and I realized this was no longer true.
My First Mother's Day Without My Mom
In the first days after my mom's death, I felt like I was part of some cruel practical joke. Everywhere I went was covered in Mother's Day decorations. If I went to the grocery store to buy myself some ice cream, I was met with bright colorful balloons and cards saying, "Call Your Mom!", "Your Mom Misses You!", "We Need Our Moms!" I felt crushed by these constant reminders of my mom's absence, and it made me dread the upcoming holiday even more. While everybody else was celebrating their moms, I was in shock over losing my own.
I was lucky enough to be surrounded by such great, supportive friends and family who always made me feel like I was understood and that my grief could be expressed. But that didn't take away some of the jealousy I felt when I would go out in public and see a mother and daughter shopping or eating dinner together. It felt like everything was a reminder of my mom and the memories that we had together. As Mother's Day loomed closer, I dreaded the holiday even more.
The first Mother's Day without my mom was a bit of a blur. I remember waking up and thinking I needed to call my mom to wish her a happy Mother's Day, and then remembering that she wasn't alive to receive those calls anymore. I spent most of the day with my dad and sisters, and we told stories about my mom and the funny things she used to do. Being around my supportive family was great, but I couldn't help but feel drawn to social media, where everyone was posting pictures of their moms. I felt jealous and angry that all these people could celebrate their moms and that I couldn't. I asked myself why this happened to me. None of my friends or classmates had faced the death of a parent before, so it made me feel like I was out on an island all by myself. The rest of the day I spent with my phone put away in another room, so I couldn't check all the Instagram posts, and I occupied myself by watching old home videos of my mom.
Embracing a New Type of Mother's Day
This year is my fourth Mother's Day without my mom, and I still find it to be a difficult time of year. My mom's death anniversary is only a week before Mother's Day, so I always spend the beginning of May doing things that my mom would enjoy. She grew up near the beach and was always drawn to water. If it was above 60 degrees, I knew where she would be. So now, when I want to feel close to her, I decide to go for a swim. Early May is a very cold time to swim in any pool, but I feel connected to her as soon as I step into the water. I think about all the memories we made together at the local pool, and I wonder if she would be sitting here with me if she were still alive. Maybe we would be discussing the newest mystery novel that we had both read.
Now that the initial shock and grief have subsided a little bit, I am more focused on honoring my mom on Mother's Day. I want to make sure that she is still a part of my life even though she has died. I spend the day feeling grateful for the time we did get to spend together, and I know that she will always be my mother, no matter how many years have passed since she died. Now I can gather with my sisters on Mother's Day and cook breakfast together. We all sit in bed, eat, and talk about our mom and how much we miss her. It's not the Mother's Day I used to have, but I am embracing the day and the connection I still have to my mom.
Contact Kate's Club for grief support in Georgia
Kate’s Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver or someone important to them. The organization builds healing communities through recreational and therapeutic group programs, education and advocacy. Since its founding in metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both in-house and outreach services. Kate's Club offers services in Atlanta, Albany, Athens, Brunswick, Cobb County, and Newnan, GA. For more information, visit katesclub.org.