By Ashlie Evans, Kate’s Club Director of Outreach and Outcomes
Dear Dad,
Letter 35 in an infinite installment.
It's Father's Day again…
Last we spoke, Dad, I shared I'd been promoted and how I wished you were here with your high five and "you go girl!" Just as you were the day I received my job offer almost 7 years ago.
It hardly feels like it's been almost 6 years since cancer began erasing the life I thought I'd have – the grandfather my future kids would know, the arm that would walk me to my future husband, my shield from the ugly of the world, my crying place.
Every Father’s Day, I could only see grief as the constant reminder of what felt stolen from me.
This year feels different.
For years, I hoped the adage "time heals all wounds" somehow absolved me of the imperative grief work we support and empower our families through here at Kate’s Club. It is not until I had the courage to sift through all my emotions that I was able to feel the ones that’ll keep me afloat during the ebbs and flows of grief.
Dad, I was so afraid to break. I mean, what would I do with all the pieces? It wasn’t until 3 years ago that I began acknowledging the hard emotions like guilt and shame, which soon granted me the freedom to embrace peace and gratitude. An unexpected gift of grief.
Growing up in church, the elders would often say, “Thank God I don’t look like what we’ve been through!” What I wanted to say was, “What a shame we don’t.”
If visible, maybe people wouldn’t feel it necessary to hide behind “I’m fine” when asked how they are doing. They’d share how the death of someone important to them altered their entire being and what helped them get through it or for most, what didn’t help.
I would have asked you about the half-healed wounds on your chest from when you were eight after your mother died, or when your dad died, a bruise formed on the back of your head at 18 years old that never went away.
In a previous letter, I asked, “Why didn’t you prepare me for this kind of pain?” No heads up or nothing, Dad? Even before the ink dried, my anger evaporated, and I knew the irrefutable answer.
I think you would have said something like, “Princess, grief is like being thrown in the ocean and hoping you can swim well enough to survive the current, and as you know, your daddy can’t swim all too good.”
At Kate’s Club, I meet caregivers who have also experienced the death of someone important to them at a young age, and their next sentence about 95% of the time is, “We just never talked about it.” Without even having to do my usual Kate’s Club spiel, caregivers would quickly follow with, “That’s why I’m so grateful you all exist!”
Dad, imagine if you’d had a Kate’s Club in Little Rock, Arkansas, how much more whole and healed you would have been? How much more could you have given from that God-sized heart you carried? These unresolvable questions incontestably fuel my work at Kate’s Club. It’s my way of supporting kids just like you, gifting families an essential space to not feel alone in their grief and skills to role model for their children.
We’re breaking intergenerational traumas, Dad! It’s a beautiful thing to witness, and I still wish you were here to see it!
I miss you.
So on this Father’s Day, Mom, Mia, and I will visit your gravesite, clean your headstone, and replace the flower bouquet like always. We’ll share stories like when you tried to confirm that Mia and I, mostly me, understood we only breathe out of our noses and mouths. I’ll tell them I remembered which cold that allowed breath through my ears, and I remained skeptical. I’ll be sure to ask mom about how she knew you were the one and have her recount your cinematic “breakup to makeup” love story. It’s truly one of my favorites!
I’ll watch your favorite movie The Matrix. As a child, this was perplexing. Of all the great movies in the world, this was your favorite? Forget The Lion King or Beauty & the Beast, huh?
I watched it recently, and there was one line that struck me. Morpheus said, “It’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”
In one moment, he crafted a sentence that embodied my entire grief journey. What a powerful thing it is to be seen, Dad. After reflecting on this realization, it brought me back to the necessity of Kate’s Club. Where people of all walks of life see themselves and their stories in others, release any guilt or shame, and find within themselves the courage to heal.
So, Dad, I say all this to say…
Thank you for the honor of being your daughter!
I’ll carry you with me always, holding your story close to my heart, nurturing my work.
I'll give as you did, unconditionally, just like you showed me.
And I love you, still.
Happy Father’s Day!
Always,
Ashlie
PS. When the waves of grief come, I’ll remind myself of the courage you had to keep going, and as your daughter, I have the same warrior in me too!
*press button on walkie talkie* Over & out!
If you’re grieving on Father’s Day, contact Kate's Club for free bereavement support in Georgia
Kate’s Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver or someone important to them. The organization builds healing communities through recreational and therapeutic group programs, education and advocacy. Since its founding in metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both in-house and outreach services. Kate's Club offers services in Metro Atlanta, Southwest Georgia, Northeast Georgia and Coastal Georgia.