According to data from the World Health Organization, one in four pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. After birth, many babies can die due to health conditions like Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which affects 2,300 babies in the U.S. each year.
Like many, people who experience pregnancy and infant loss have to face their grief alone, often experiencing stigma and shame. This also leads them to carry their grief alone, allowing it to compound into other mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, bereavement organization Kate’s Club shares five tips for coping with pregnancy and infant loss because no one should have to grieve alone. We hold space for people who are still grieving what was and could have been; who are coping with changed relationships and family dynamics; and who are searching for an understanding community and what comes next.
Pregnancy and infant loss tip #1: Make time and take space for yourself as a grieving parent
Even parents and caregivers who experience the death of an older child can find it hard to make them for themselves, especially if they have surviving children. Sometimes it is easier to focus on another child’s grief coping rather than face your own, or sometimes it is just necessary to put them first.
However, at Kate’s Club we know that the primary indicator of how a child copes with their grief – whether after a parent, sibling or someone important to them died – is how well the surviving caregiver copes with theirs.
It is important for you to make time and take space for your own needs. Self-care in the 21st century is often chalked up to bubble baths and wine nights, but it can take many forms. What’s important is that you do something that nourishes your physical, emotional or even spiritual wellness, whatever that looks like for you.
You may find it easier to ground yourself and cope with your loss if you try:
- Exercising, even if that is a short walk with no distractions
- Getting enough rest and eating nourishing foods
- Setting boundaries in your personal and professional life
- Exercising self-compassion and forgiveness
- Meditation and grounding activities
- Staying committed to faith through traditions, rituals and holidays
Or even bubble baths and wine nights if that’s what works for you!
Pregnancy and infant loss tip #2: Your kids are watching how you cope with your grief
Speaking of other kids, don’t be afraid to grieve in front of them. Your instincts may tell you to conceal your grief and express it only in private.
However, you must remember that kids are often more perceptive than we realize. They see how grief affects us, and like any behavior they model our coping.
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If we cry behind closed doors, they learn that sadness is something to be kept to ourselves. If we don’t talk about people who have died, they may believe it’s wrong or unnatural to miss them.
Seek grief support for yourself. Learn about developmental responses to grief and age appropriate ways to discuss grief and loss with your kids.
Pregnancy and infant loss tip #3: Try to let go of guilt for parenting other children.
It’s common for those who experience pregnancy and infant loss to feel guilty about parenting their other children, or even having more children when they’re ready. However, this is the perfect opportunity to experience the compassion and self-care that we talked about earlier.
Pregnancy and infant loss can be highly stigmatized; you probably know yourself what it’s like to think what you should or could have done, even if other people haven’t passed judgement on you.
However, a miscarriage or infant death is a common experience that is never 100% preventable. You don’t have to feel guilty about continuing to be a compassionate parent or caregiver to your surviving children. It’s likely they need you more than ever, and you can learn to cope and build resilience as a family.
Likewise, if you want to continue to grow your family, then that is okay too. Experiencing a pregnancy or infant loss is not a barrier to compassionate parenting to another child, and learning to cope through therapy or other bereavement support for parents and caregivers can help you:
- Understand that there is no guilt in parenting other children
- How to cope with your grief while parenting
And if anyone has anything bad to say about your grief coping or experience? We’ve heard it all and even have a list of the worst things to say to someone who’s grieving.
Know that it is a valid response to feel upset or frustrated, but you can let their comments slide off your back because your family is no one’s business but your own.
Pregnancy and infant loss tip #4: This might seem like a time in your life that you never want to remember, but you may not feel that way later.
Grief can come with a lot of emotions, like anger, jealousy, guilt and more, yet the most common feeling we often associate with grief is sadness. That isn’t without reason. Grief can often feel like the darkest seasons of our lives, a period of blues that comes and goes when you least expect it.
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You might think while you’re grieving that you want to “get over it” and move on, never looking back. However, there might be pockets of joy, peace or comfort that you will want to reflect on later.
We recommend you do your best to live in these moments, then preserve them for later. If you are grounded during these moments, you may remember them better, but you can take extra steps to remember them. Take photos, write in your journal. If you can, do it for milestones with your family, your surviving children, and children that you have after the death, even if you feel guilty, sad or scared.
Pregnancy and infant loss tip #5: Find a community that gets it
You don’t have to face the stigma and shame around a miscarriage, stillbirth, or other infant loss alone. Isolation can only make these feelings worse. Find a community of people who get your grief and get you.
There are many organizations like Kate’s Club that provide free bereavement services to kids and families just like yours. If you aren’t in the Atlanta, GA area or near one of our Clubhouses in Coastal, Northeast or Southwest Georgia, you can consult the National Alliance for Children’s Grief’s support network.
You may find joy, comfort or relief sharing your story with others. By saying it out loud, or even writing it down, you may realize that grief isn’t a burden that you have to bear alone, and you may even empower others to do the same.
If stigma tries to silence you, try to remember that you are not alone and someone may be hoping to meet and find community with someone just like you.
Where can I find support after a miscarriage or infant loss?
Kate's Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver or someone important to them. The organization provides free grief support for kids, families, and young adults to build healing communities. It also provides grief education and advocacy to community partners. Since its founding in Metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both member and outreach services. Kate's Club offers grief support services in Metro Atlanta, Southwest Georgia, Northeast Georgia and Coastal Georgia.