A conversation with Jennifer about grief, widowhood and dating during the Valentine’s Day season
“When I look back, I’m so grateful that I can genuinely feel joy again.”
Jennifer is engaged and could not be more happy. She and her fiancé Dave both have two kids from previous marriages, and Jennifer describes the way their families have come together as “a dream come true.”
The older teen brothers spend time together. Dave and his sons dote on her daughter, since they haven’t had a daughter or sister before. They have so many pets that Jennifer lovingly calls their house a zoo.
There was a time when Jennifer couldn’t imagine a life like this. She was widowed almost ten years ago and couldn’t imagine love and joy like her family has now. However, with time and support, she found love again, eventually blending her family with another widowed family that was grieving the death of a wife and mother.
Grieving the death of a husband
When her first husband died, almost 10 years ago, Jennifer thought all of the happiness was gone. She couldn’t comprehend that her kids could be okay, or that she could be okay after a death that was “unexpected and traumatic for everyone.”
At the time, Jennifer was flooded with emotions – shock, anger, surprise, sadness, fear. There was also so much to handle logistically, from changed finances to re-working how to get her kids to school.
“You don’t know what to do when someone dies. You don’t really know until you experience it.”
Parenting while grieving the death of a spouse
On top of now handling everything for the family alone, Jennifer felt like she had to be strong for her son who was six and her daughter who was eight months old.
“I was obviously devastated, but I wanted to teach my kids to be resilient and be okay.”
A therapist helped Jennifer understand that she could strike a balance. It was okay if her son knew she was sad too.
Kate’s Club’s grief support programs for kids and families also helped Jennifer, Ethan and Layla cope with their grief.
Jennifer’s friend, a social worker, paid the family a visit two weeks after her husband died. Jennifer knew she wanted support for her family, but so soon after the death she hadn’t had time yet to research.
However, her friend knew just the resource. She had the Kate’s Club application and helped Jennifer sign it, so she and Ethan could join Kate’s Club and start participating right away in their free grief support programs.
“It didn’t take me very long to realize it was a very special place and something that would be so vital not only to my children and to me,” Jennifer recalled their first time at the Kate’s Club Clubhouse in Brookhaven.
Through the years, Jennifer was “blown away” by the support her son Ethan received at Kate’s Club. They both participated in different programs for kids and adults, and they could meet people who truly understood them and what they were going through. When Layla turned five, she became a member too.
In addition to the community they found, Jennifer’s family formed a shared language to communicate more strongly and candidly about their feelings. When it was time for hard or sad conversations, they had language that was comfortable to use.
“My kids would come home and say things like it’s okay to grieve,” she said. “You don’t expect an eight year old to say it that way.”
Outside of Kate’s Club, Jennifer had an amazing community of friends and family, as well as a great therapist. It is only with such strong support that she and her kids learned to cope so well with their grief.
“We had a huge community that loved us and held us up when we were struggling most.”
Dating as a widowed parent
When her husband first died, seeing other couples and holidays like Valentine’s Day made Jennifer sad. She wasn’t ready for love yet, but the reminders would make the “void” her husband left seem that much bigger.
However, that feeling slowly shifted from thinking love was “something that could never happen to her again” to, “I kind of miss that,” then “I kind of want that,” to finally, “I could have that again.”
One of her greatest fears when dating again was meeting someone that her kids didn’t like, or even introducing to her kids someone who ended up not being the right person for a long-term relationship. She was also scared that she might not find someone genuine or trustworthy.
Again, Jennifer could navigate this “scary” new experience with a strong community. Her single and divorced friends could swap woes about dating apps, stories about people they’d met, and other experiences.
With the support of her closest friends and a therapist, Jennifer learned to trust her gut instead of arbitrary advice from people who couldn’t understand her situation.
“Everyone has an opinion [about dating as a widowed parent], and they’re all right, and they’re all wrong.”
Thanks to that supportive community, Jennifer could meet her now-fiancé Dave, who was also a widow, and over the years they created that “dream come true” for their family.
Free grief support for kids and families in Georgia
Kate’s Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver or someone important to them. The organization builds healing communities through recreational and therapeutic group programs, education and advocacy. Since its founding in Metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both member and outreach services. Kate's Club offers services in Metro Atlanta, Southwest Georgia, Northeast Georgia and Coastal Georgia.