by Misaki
My friend's death was not the first death that I have experienced in my life. However, it hit me very, very hard for these reasons:
A. His death was the first time I lost a friend.
B. I heard this news during The COVID-19 pandemic while I was working as a pediatric nurse in the hospital, where I was always exhausted.
C. He married my friend and had a child.
D. He died by suicide.
Remembering Our Friendship
We went to the same university together. Although we did not really have anything in common—different majors, different clubs, different cohorts—we sometimes hung out together. He was the person to plan and host things. The first thing that comes to my mind is the karaoke party where everyone had to sing anime songs. Honestly, I was not that into anime back then and was not familiar with many anime songs. But I kept joining the karaoke, simply because it was fun.
After I got my master’s degree and started working in the hospital, I did not have much mental space to hang out with friends. He did not message me, and neither did I. Then COVID-19 hit. As a pediatric nurse, I was under huge pressure to not get COVID-19 for the hospitalized children. I was doing a quite extreme self-quarantine by not seeing my friends in person and not going out anywhere for about three years.
During the three years, Netflix has become my best friend, like many other people. A big change was that I started watching a lot of anime. Sometimes I thought of him when I watched a good anime with good songs. But I did not contact him, thinking that I would see him sometime after this pandemic ends.
And I heard that he died by suicide.
Dealing With Complicated Grief After Suicide Loss
Suicide seemed to be the most distant thing from his personality, as he enjoyed hosting things and liked hanging out with his friends. I just could not believe that he was gone. Regret occupied my mind, thinking what if I had messaged him when I found a good anime?
I desperately needed someone to talk about him. However, I also wanted to protect his dignity. I thought that he would not be happy if I spread the news to people who did not know about the cause of his death. I did not want to shock my friends with this news either.
These ambivalent feelings stopped me from talking about his death. I never knew that not being able to talk about it could cause so much pain inside of me. There was a day when I could not say anything but only “Yes” to everything at work. One of the colleagues asked me, “Are you ok?” and I said, “Yes.”
I finally started talking about his death to my friends who do not know him. Every time I spoke, I felt bad because this is not a happy topic to share with my friends. One day, a friend told me that when we talk about the person we lost, the person gets a flower shower in heaven. I cannot describe how much this idea helped me. I did not feel bad about talking to him anymore, thinking that he gets another flower shower.
Sharing My Friend’s Life With Others
It’s been about three years since I first heard the news. It still hurts. I do miss him.
But I don’t have self-blame or hesitation to talk about his death anymore.
Joining Kate’s Club taught me the importance of sharing your grief. I wish I had this support when I was struggling alone. The time and space where we are allowed to talk about the loss are irreplaceable to me.
I hope, now as a volunteer, I can support people who may be suffering from the same feelings that I used to have.
Contact Kate’s Club For Free Grief Support Or To Volunteer Today
Kate’s Club empowers children and teens, their families, and young adults facing life after the death of a parent, sibling, caregiver or someone important to them. The organization builds healing communities through recreational and therapeutic group programs, education and advocacy. Since its founding in metro Atlanta in 2003, Kate’s Club has served thousands of individuals who are grieving, through both member and outreach services. Kate's Club offers services in Metro Atlanta, Southwest Georgia, Northeast Georgia and Coastal Georgia.